Ah, yes, divorce,
from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet.
-Robin Williams
Women complain
about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as
the only time
of the month that I can be myself. -Roseanne
Women need a
reason to have sex. Men just need a place. -Billy
Crystal
If you want
to say it with flowers, a single rose says: "I'm
cheap!" -Delta
Burke
I am not the
boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I
don't know if
I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I
do not want
it. -Bill Cosby
In the last
couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder
Bra. Is that
really a problem in this country? Men not paying
enough attention
to women's breasts? -Jay Leno
My mom said
the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and
vehicle maintenance. -Tim Allen
We have women
in the military, but they don't put us in the front
lines. They
don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think
we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and
say, "You see
the enemy over there? They say you look fat in
those uniforms." -Elayne Boosler
Always be nice
to your children because they are the ones who
will choose
your rest home. -Phyllis Diller
There's a new
medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men
are having allergic
reactions to latex condoms. They say they
cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem? -Jay Leno
The post office
says they're raising the price of stamps by one
cent because
they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently,
they're going
from semi-automatics to Uzis. -Conan O'Brien
Electricity
can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny
into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him
shoot across
that floor. I told him he was grounded. -Tim Allen
If you can't
beat them, arrange to have them beaten. -George
Carlin
I am a marvelous
housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his
house. -Zsa
Zsa Gabor
The problem
with the designated driver program, is that it's not
a desirable
job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have
fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong
house. -Jeff Foxworthy
There's only
one corner of the universe you can be certain of im-
proving and
that's your own self. -Aldous Huxley
